Feed on
Posts
Comments

Box Fortification Tips

Feb 25th, 2010 by Maxwell

Here are some tips to survive the inevitable heavy rain coming our way. Any hate mail shouldn’t be sent to Hobo Digest HQ, but should be handed to Wurbles instead. Without further delay, here come the tips!

1. The roof is designed to take a decent amount of force, but what good is a roof without another roof above it to motivate the lower roof to succeed? Without your parents, you’d have no idea how to fend off cardboard-mites, warm your mittens, or prepare a shoe. What you need to do is build (or steal) a roof from materials you find lying around. Soon, your original roof will see that it has some competition and try much harder to protect your home.

2. You can get build a chute, attach it to the heavy clouds so that the marbles are re-directed into the lake if you so dare. The firemen have volunteered their ladders and have stated they’d hold any wobbly ladder steady while a hero climbs the rung to install the chute. This is probably the most efficient, but less practical, way to solve the problem.

3. Hire a nest of spiders to construct a net above your house. It’ll need to be pretty thick, and in order to have it completed before the release, you’ll need at least 135 spiders, scientist predict.

4. Open your mouth up wide. Look to the sky. Breathe in marbles like Kirby sucks in air. It’s predicted to rain marbles for a few days so this technique might work better in shifts.

These tips should be enough to ensure that you survive the heavy rain that is on its way.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Posted in Hobo Weather | No Comments »

Marbles + Clouds = Heavy Rain

Feb 23rd, 2010 by Maxwell

“Look at this gun I made! It shoots marbles higher than hawks! I call them ‘Hawk Marbles.’” This was the intro to a press release we received here at Hobo Digest. Living in a hobo community filled with a fair share of bumbling slobs trying to make an impact in a domain dominated by flapping pieces of cardboard, we get information like this all the time. Unfortunately, most of the time it’s impossible to suss out the news worthy events from the mundane.

Enter “Hawk Marbles” and the creator, Murbles. Murbles has been obsessed with marbles for some time, but has always resented that marbles can’t fly. His logic? “Birds can fly. Fruit can fly [Ed- We’re not sure if he’s using wordplay here or not]. And bats can fly. Why not marbles?”

So he set out to right a wrong but only ended up wronging a right. His marbles flew into the stratosphere where they found a home in the wobbly overhead clouds. And now, we are faced with the inevitable barrage of these marbles returning from their voyage. All at once. In full force.

We’ll provide tips on how to deal with the impending doom, but until then be sure to report any heavy rain you see to your local weather friend.

Tags: , , , , ,

Posted in Hobo Weather | No Comments »

Exiting the Infernal Imaginarium

Jan 21st, 2010 by Maxwell

There I was, lost in a maze with nothing but a backpack of salami. I’ve been in worst situations, of course, but this was probably one of the more baffling points in my life. Not to mention this imaginarium kept capturing my thoughts and using them to manipulate me.

For instance, as I grasped the salami backpack, I saw for an instant my long-lost pet bird, trapped in a salami prison. In an attempt to break it free of its cell, I started chewing at the salami like a ravenous salami gobbler. Alas, there was no bird inside the meat, only a piece of (impressive) origami. With antics under every corner, and a gag around every turn I decided to suck it up and just devour the salami like Mr.Danish foretold.

Gnashing into salami loaf after salami loaf, I considered for a moment if this is what it’s like to live under a circus tent until the day you die.

Finally, it was done. My fate had reached its destination and the backpack weighed less having transferred its treasure to my digestive keep. A bubble rose steadily through my throat and bullied its way past my lips only to explode the second it reached freedom. This burp rang throughout the imaginarium and as the sound waves rippled across the land, they melted the maze and all the imagination that floated through the air.

Soon there was nothing in front of me but a small rusty barrel. In fear that I may be trapped in this vacuum for all time I quickly scurried through the rust barrel. Next thing I know, I’m being birthed back onto the wooden stage that belonged to Mr.Danish and staring into his garbage can face.

I said not a word to the gathered crowd, I was shaken from the inside out by the experience. Is this what I get for abusing my press credentials? Or maybe it was the overwhelming weight of the future of Moonshineopolis pressing upon my shoulders?

To this day I am baffled by the Imaginarium of Mr.Danish, but I now know that in order to deepen the divide between Bum and Hobo I must not let Moonshineopolis idle in our current wonders and achievements.

Tags: , , , , ,

Posted in Absurd | No Comments »

Maxwell vs The Salami Labyrinth

Jan 20th, 2010 by Maxwell

You remember where we last left off? Let me refresh your memory, I was standing in front of the gates to a salami maze. I love a good maze and have yet to meet a maze that was too challenging for my wit (something we cannot say for Mr.Nicholson). With a sense of duty I trudged through the entry gate, foreboding sign be damned

I made many turns through that maze, as a maze wanderer may do. I realize that describing the path I took would be utterly brain explosive, so let’s just say I made more turns than a wheel of fate makes during your lifetime. Eventually, I discovered a tin chest that had the craftsmanship of an elf. I opened it up, expecting a scroll with some hint of what was going on, but all I found was a backpack full of salami. I was perplexed, hurt and lonely in this salami labyrinth.

But then, out of nowhere, Mr.Danish repelled from a helicopter above my head. “Listen boy,” he said to me, “you think you’re better than this salami?” I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but he continued, “If you let any of that salami go to waste, you’re no better than those bums that sit idly on the coast of the garbage heaps waiting for fortune to jump into their mouths.” Then the helicopter flew away, with Mr.Danish dangling in the air. Is this what the imaginarium of Mr.Danish was all about? Self revelations and a call to action?

It was clear now that I had to eat all of this salami and continue the battle to advance the hobo community. What salami or anything else I met in this imaginarium had to do with this, I wasn’t sure.

So then I ate a backpack full of salami and fell asleep deep inside the labyrinth.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Posted in Absurd | No Comments »

Exploring the Imaginarium of Mr.Danish

Jan 18th, 2010 by Maxwell

Here I am inside the Imaginarium of Mr.Danish equipped with a hat of confusion and boots of providence. This equipment is more metaphorical for how I feel than actual protective wear. Among my swirling dreams and desires was a small path that ran ahead of me and bent slightly to the left. Remembering what my mother always told me (“Never look down on a finely beaten path, no matter how crooked it may seem”), I started walking.

I’ve been in an aquarium before, but never an imaginarium (which only proves my point that words that rhyme aren’t necessarily similar (dimes, limes, dog, log, smog, bog)). As my boots scuffed against the ground I could feel my thoughts being dissected and analyzed by the mist flowing through my ear canal and out the other end. Mr.Danish was perusing my thoughts like a vendor of hot dogs scouts the crowd for the hungriest patron.

Then, in front of me, a large condor landed. “Hop onto my back, Princess Maxwella,” the condor said. This was weird because I’ve never thought of ever being a princess before, because that would just be so weird and absurd for a hobo like me to yearn for the title and privilege of becoming princess of a royal moonshine army . I’m not sure where this Mr.Danish gets his information from, but there seems to be a few kinks in his imaginarium system. Hahahahaha, right?

I hopped on the condor’s back, not bothering to correct it because who am I to right a condor? We swooped under rambows (a rainbow made up of a variety of rams), crashed through brittle skeleton bones and landed on the porch of an elaborate maze crafted from salami. A sign above it read, “Abandon all hunger he who enter here. Your salami salvation awaits. Salame!”

It should come to no surprise to you that I entered this maze with such haste that a hare, late for an important date, would not be able to keep up. Stay tuned for the exciting imaginarium conclusion.

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Posted in Absurd | No Comments »

Older Posts »