Aug 27th, 2010 by Maxwell
After visiting the Foil Fountain I had an inclination to go home and make my own dating video. I thought for sure that it was the heat that was making me think this way, but I have a gut that never passes a fib from its lining to my thinker. So I spent most of the day recording my dating tape and missed the trip with the scientist to the Tupper Towers. I’m sorry. To make up for my poor journalism you can look for me in this dating video!
Once I put my tri-pod away I caught up with the scientist at the Dog-Log-Bog to see if there was a surplus of heat leaking into Moonshineopolis. We arrived to the steamy blog and I could already feel my nostrils curl up and the foil around my head begin to shake. A foil hat from the Foil Fountains no less! This had to be something big, I could feel it.
As we neared the Dog-Log-Bog, sweat poured down our skulls and weighed our beards down. Every step we took was more difficult than the last. My brain was moist, nervous and drowning in its sweat. My thoughts warped from one side of my skull to another. I dragged myself onwards while the other scientist, who didn’t seem to be as struggling as much as I was, crested the hell to the Dog-Log-Bog center.
We looked into a crater. Dogs ran wild, sausage links in their mouths and logs on their back. One of the logs was stuck inside the cog that keeps the water valve flowing. The scientist scared the more vicious dogs away with some loud clapping noises and proceeded to remove the log from the cog. The cog began to turn, the scientist high-fived and water trickled into the bog.
As the water mixed with the heat of the bog a massive amount of steam appeared. Logs caught on fire, dogs passed out, scientist quivered and my brain was filled with the madness of heat. I could hear it talking in my skull, “MAXWELL. GATHER UP YOUR SOCK COLLECTION, DAB THEM IN THE DOG-LOG-BOG AND SACRIFICE THEM TO ME. BUT FIRST TELL THE TALE OF MY ESTEEMED STEAM.”
So I turned tail and went to my type writer. I’m not sure what happened to the scientist, but I fear my fate is sealed unless I communicate this legend to you. So curl up with a nice cold beverage and sat tuned for the tale of “Stunts Steam Team.”
Tags: Steam
Posted in Absurd | No Comments »
Aug 25th, 2010 by Maxwell
I awoke this morning with a strange instinct to make my bed. Also, something inside my gut kept tugging at me and whispering to my brain to “take a loan out of the bank and start a business consulting on railroad construction” whatever that means. As we approach the middle of the Dawg-Bog Days of Summer the thoughts are getting zanier and it’s taking my dedication as a journalist to remain focus and withstand the urge to turn against my core values.
I followed some of the scientist up to Foil Fountain to see if there was anything hot going on. It turns out that yes, that place is hotter than a sun taking a lie detector test. I was always told to stay away from the Foil Fountain and now I see why; the heat is unbearable and the people that work there make you do push-ups if you want to talk to them. That is why there are no quotes in this little article.
I did overhear someone saying that foil production was up much higher this year due to the quick turnover due to the intense heat. It’s no coincidence, as the heat rises and our brains begin to boil we need to buy more foil hats to keep our brain safe. Some of the kids have been wearing them, without cause, just to be fashionable.
Nothing out of the ordinary here, but it seems like we’ll be heading over to the Tupper Tower and the Dog-Log-Bog to see if we can find the root of the increase wave. In the mean time, I think I might organize my volumes of “Is it Glass or Plexiglass” by number of consonants.
Tags: dog days, foil, fountain, Hobo, mountian
Posted in Hobo Weather | 1 Comment »
Aug 23rd, 2010 by Maxwell
This is the week in Moonshineopolis that the heat begins to run interference on our brain waves and cause all sorts of mischief. Some call it the “Dog Days of Bummer” but that’s only because those people are the type of people that call “tortilla chips” “nachos.” Kids start working on their business cards, lamps shoot out darkness and toilets only swallow the filth of virgins. It’s all so very odd.
This year, scientist have deployed in full force to help quell the effects of the Dawg Days of Summer and hope to keep the efficiency needle toward the “Extreme” part of the efficiency-meter. A scientist explains, “While we could just fool ourselves for a week and mis-calibrate our efficiency-meter so that it always reads ‘Extreme’ we worry that we’ll forget to calibrate it back at the end of the week. Instead, we’re going to explore Moonshineopolis, see what parts of the town soak up the most rays and then eradicate them. Hopefully this will keep brains from boiling and dogs from melting.”
It’s recommended that you wear some sort of headgear before leaving your home and that you should keep a rubberband around the hole in your mouth so you don’t say anything ill. As far as possible sources being inspected in the coming days are the Foil Fountain (where all of our foil goes to be melted down), the Dog-Log-Bog (Where all of that good stuff stews and waits for the Cog-Tog to spin the Deer-Gear) and Tupper Tower (self explanatory). Stay tuned for those results and a possible explanation.
Tags: days, dog, summer
Posted in Absurd, Hobo Weather | No Comments »
Aug 18th, 2010 by Maxwell
Well well well. Look who it is. It’s me. I’ve been thinking a lot about the impact of rocks on the atmosphere and there’s one conclusion I’ve come to: When you want someone to get married you have to staple a few skunks to their box. A man once told me that. Whether he is wise or not is still being decided but that has stuck with me ever since.
You are probably shocked that this is going on right now. Me writing, you reading. Who missed it more I’ll never know (unless you leave a comment) but one thing is for sure–I’m probably back. Maybe not as frequent, and definitely without any real drawings but you can expect some sweet stories, hip haikus, and maybe the occasional hobo product review. I’ll see if I can get back on the press list.
Welcome back! Check your hobo calendar to see when the next update will be!
Posted in Haiku Friday, The Drunken Hobo | No Comments »
Feb 25th, 2010 by Maxwell
Here are some tips to survive the inevitable heavy rain coming our way. Any hate mail shouldn’t be sent to Hobo Digest HQ, but should be handed to Wurbles instead. Without further delay, here come the tips!
1. The roof is designed to take a decent amount of force, but what good is a roof without another roof above it to motivate the lower roof to succeed? Without your parents, you’d have no idea how to fend off cardboard-mites, warm your mittens, or prepare a shoe. What you need to do is build (or steal) a roof from materials you find lying around. Soon, your original roof will see that it has some competition and try much harder to protect your home.
2. You can get build a chute, attach it to the heavy clouds so that the marbles are re-directed into the lake if you so dare. The firemen have volunteered their ladders and have stated they’d hold any wobbly ladder steady while a hero climbs the rung to install the chute. This is probably the most efficient, but less practical, way to solve the problem.
3. Hire a nest of spiders to construct a net above your house. It’ll need to be pretty thick, and in order to have it completed before the release, you’ll need at least 135 spiders, scientist predict.
4. Open your mouth up wide. Look to the sky. Breathe in marbles like Kirby sucks in air. It’s predicted to rain marbles for a few days so this technique might work better in shifts.
These tips should be enough to ensure that you survive the heavy rain that is on its way.
Tags: construction, fortification, heavy, heavy rain, hobo box, rain, roof fortification, tips
Posted in Hobo Weather | No Comments »